Opiate
by Jonathan Kravetz


Conyers, Georgia (CNN)

An estimated 100,000 pilgrims crowded onto a Georgia farm Tuesday to hear what they believed would be a final message from the Virgin Mary, delivered by a woman who claims to have received hundreds of such visions. Nancy Fowler, 47, has attracted huge crowds since she said the Virgin Mary told her to buy a farm in 1990 and pass on her messages to the faithful.

 
Personal journal: Jeffrey Carlson.
Thursday
Arrive home from work. Turn on television and drink Budweiser. Watch Derek Jeter hit a triple. Hear a soft buzzing sound that grows louder. It's Jesus. He is hovering over the television. I lean closer to understand what he is saying. But he is only making a soft buzzing sound. Assume this is his way of telling me to stop leaning so close. Finish Bud and watch Jeter boot routine ground ball.

Friday

Jesus follows me to work. My boss asks me to stop making that annoying buzzing sound. I tell him it's Jesus. He calls me a liar and fires me. I leave building with cardboard box containing three years worth of junk. Jesus steals a pen from supply room. I get mugged on the subway. Suddenly, I have a revelation: Jesus wants me to preach his gospel. I get an idea for my first sermon. Jesus loans me his pen.

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