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Bald is Beautifulesque

Jake Novak

Some of our male readers are probably in the process of losing their hair.   If you belong to this group, you're probably devastated, afraid, and suddenly finding yourself staying up late to watch Hair Club for Men infomercials.   But I'm here to fix all that.   Yillustration by Dan mccoyes, I am bald, beautiful and proud.  And I'm not just saying that in the "celebrate people of all sizes and shapes," P.C. way.   If you handle your hair loss properly, you'll be sexier than ever.  Just follow and remember my 5 Tips to Bald Happiness:

1) Don't Even THINK About Toupees, Surgeries, Prescription Medications, etc.

I started losing my hair almost 20 years ago when I was 17.  And I tried everything. Back in the 1980’s, I was probably one of the first people to take Rogaine. I wore hats indoors. I even got one of those "rainbow head wigs", (which I kinda liked, but I had to stop because I couldn't afford to keep attending all those professional sporting events). But then I realized that nobody who isn't legally blind is ever fooled.   And when they see you with a toupee or the hair plugs, they think you're trying to trick them.   Then they think you may be trying to fool them about something else.   Then they start to wonder if you're an anchorman.  Don't let that happen to you. 

2) Don't Make Your Head a Battlefield

As long as your hair is receding, it will look like a battle is raging atop your head.   It's a battle we all know you're going to lose, and that makes you a loser by association.   So once you see a bald spot, get out the scissors, razor, or miniature lawn mower and shave that head of yours nice and close.   Now it looks like you WANTED to lose the hair… or at least like you're a psychotic badass who takes no prisoners.  Either way, no one will call you names to your face ever again.

3) Realize that Bald is In

The bald look is hot right now, and not in the quirky "Kojack" way that it was in 1975.   This is literally the best time in history to be a bald man.  Nearly every male model is going with the shaved head look, Republicans are getting judicial approval to send long-haired men to Guantanamo, and some people actually think Vin Diesel can act.  

4) Get Pumped

Okay, not everything about this is going to be easy.  But when the hair starts to fall out, start pumping iron immediately.   Bald may be sexy, but bald and flabby is only acceptable for Catholic Priests, Vice Presidents, and pedophilies. Bald men who also happen to be ripped are envied and feared in all the right ways.   I was bald for 3 years before I realized I was getting whisked to the front of the line at all the hot clubs because everyone just assumed I was the bouncer.  

5) Remember that the Morning Belongs to You Again

All those poor saps who are shampooing, combing, and mouse-ing don't know what they're missing; namely about 45 minutes of extra sleep every morning.   I can be out of bed and ready to go in 4.7 seconds thanks to my folic freedom.  And when I shower, no shampoo means there are truly no more tears.

That's it.  There's no medication to buy, no seminar to attend, no reason to stay up later than the Gomer Pyle rerun on Channel 5.   Bald man, I give you your freedom.  Now roar into the future with happiness, peace of mind, and the comforting knowledge that your chances of being killed in an accident involving an industrial-grade thresher are greatly reduced.

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