of our male readers are probably in the process of losing their
hair. If you belong to this group, you're probably devastated,
afraid, and suddenly finding yourself staying up late to watch Hair
Club for Men infomercials. But I'm here to fix all that.
I am bald, beautiful and proud. And I'm not just saying that
in the "celebrate people of all sizes and shapes," P.C. way.
If you handle your hair loss properly, you'll be sexier than ever.
Just follow and remember my 5 Tips to Bald Happiness:
Even THINK About Toupees, Surgeries, Prescription Medications, etc.
I started losing my hair almost 20 years
ago when I was 17. And I tried everything. Back in the 1980s,
I was probably one of the first people to take Rogaine. I wore hats
indoors. I even got one of those "rainbow head wigs", (which I kinda
liked, but I had to stop because I couldn't afford to keep attending
all those professional sporting events). But then I realized that
nobody who isn't legally blind is ever fooled. And when they
see you with a toupee or the hair plugs, they think you're trying
to trick them. Then they think you may be trying to fool
them about something else. Then they start to wonder if you're
an anchorman. Don't let that happen to you.
2) Don't Make Your Head a Battlefield
As long as your hair is receding, it will
look like a battle is raging atop your head. It's a battle
we all know you're going to lose, and that makes you a loser by
association. So once you see a bald spot, get out the scissors,
razor, or miniature lawn mower and shave that head of yours nice
and close. Now it looks like you WANTED to lose the hair
or at least like you're a psychotic badass who takes no prisoners.
Either way, no one will call you names to your face ever again.
3) Realize that Bald is In
The bald look is hot right now, and not
in the quirky "Kojack" way that it was in 1975. This is literally
the best time in history to be a bald man. Nearly every male
model is going with the shaved head look, Republicans are getting
judicial approval to send long-haired men to Guantanamo, and some
people actually think Vin Diesel can act.
4) Get Pumped
Okay, not everything about this is going
to be easy. But when the hair starts to fall out, start pumping
iron immediately. Bald may be sexy, but bald and flabby is
only acceptable for Catholic Priests, Vice Presidents, and pedophilies.
Bald men who also happen to be ripped are envied and feared in all
the right ways. I was bald for 3 years before I realized
I was getting whisked to the front of the line at all the hot clubs
because everyone just assumed I was the bouncer.
5) Remember that the Morning Belongs
to You Again
All those poor saps who are shampooing,
combing, and mouse-ing don't know what they're missing; namely about
45 minutes of extra sleep every morning. I can be out of
bed and ready to go in 4.7 seconds thanks to my folic freedom.
And when I shower, no shampoo means there are truly no more
That's it. There's no medication
to buy, no seminar to attend, no reason to stay up later than the
Gomer Pyle rerun on Channel 5. Bald man, I give you your
freedom. Now roar into the future with happiness, peace of
mind, and the comforting knowledge that your chances of being killed
in an accident involving an industrial-grade thresher are greatly