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Museum Tour of Tears

Jake Novak

American Indian Museum Finally Opens in DC, Promptly Stolen by
American History Museum

J ust days after the spacious and beautiful Smithsonian Museum of the American Indian was opened, officials from the American History Museum have stolen the building for their own use.

"Look, we're all for worshipping the buffalo or whatever the Hell those savages were doing, but we need more space for our new exhibit preserving the exact 'Central Perk' set from 'Friends' that we're putting right next to Archie Bunker's chair and Fonzie's jacket.  We're talking priceless American history here people!  And it really needed it's rightful place in front of the American public," said museum director Brent Glass. 

But the new exhibit is not the only reason why museum officials say they needed the extra space.

"Our cafeteria was getting really crowded around lunchtime, especially when the junior high school tours came through," explained Glass, "now we could just let them wait and take our chances that they wouldn't skedadle over to McDonald's, or we could build a nice footbridge over to this new museum and set up a nice stir-fry and corn dogs station right where they had that sacred Indian burial ground exhibit," explained Glass.  "I think it was a no-brainer," he insisted.    

The news was especially shocking to the 25,000 Native Americans who made the trip to Washington from areas thousands of miles away.  But the museum says it's prepared to handle them.

"Well, if they don't mind, we've set up a tent city, or 'reservation' if you will, over in Rock Creek Park.  Sure, there's no real housing or any kind of decent facilities there, but we promise to make it up to them by providing all of them with cheap booze and cigarettes for the duration of their stay.  Plus, they're free to set up slots and other gaming tables in the park as much as they like." said John V. Cogbill III, chairman of the National Capital Planning Commission.

Back at what was briefly the American Indian Museum, a lone man identified as an Apache tribal chief has been standing vigil outside the building's doors.  After a young boy walked out of the museum gift shop and dropped some wrapper on the street, the chief was seen crying.

"That kid just paid $13.50 for a lousy Smithsonian jumbo pencil," he was heard saying through the tears.

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