Dear Monster Undermybed,
I would like to propose a deal. My sister Eunice is fast asleep
in the room directly across the hall. I'm prepared to slip out
of bed, sneak across the hall, and open her door for you. But
you must agree to give me a 15-count to get back into bed. And
slow counts this time. You rushed last week, and we'll probably
never see the cat venture upstairs again. Now I know you're asking
yourself, why don't you just eat me and save all the slithering
around. And counting. Well. Eunice smells like bacon. We had
BLTs and peas for dinner, and I gave her the bacon from my sandwich.
Ergo, she smells like crispy pig tail, and I do not.
Eunice also smells like cat.
She's forever playing with the thing. Brushing it, holding
it, sitting it at the table with its paws on my silver. “Look, Harold's turned into a cat!” Hilarious.
Tell me, how am I supposed to choke down peas after outside-walking,
litter box-digging, cold, loveless feet have rubbed up and down
my spoon and fork? Yuck.
Yes, Eunice is the perfect, monster-mouth watering treat. She's
plump, ham-boned, and roastable. And there is a softness about
her, never having lifted a finger in her privileged, pampered
life. She doesn't have to help with the gardening? What kind
of division of labor is that? But Monster, it's left her smooth
More, she's rude and lacking in all social graces. Boys aren't
welcome at tea parties? The cat was wearing gloves and holding
a parasol! But boys aren't welcome. Humph. Plus, she's a terrible
plodding diarist. Me, me, me, it's all she ever writes about.
Oh! And very importantly, she's not a fast runner and can't throw
a punch (but watch out for scratching). With a nimble swipe,
she'd skewer well on a long sharp claw.
When you're done with Eunice,
I'll be sure to leave my door open and you're welcome to slither
right back in and we'll think about what to do with brother
Horace. And after Horace, the cat. And after that…but I am
getting ahead of myself.
I will close by saying that I hope you will consider my offer
and we can come to a mutually satisfying agreement as soon as