Dear Monster Undermybed,

I would like to propose a deal. My sister Eunice is fast asleep in the room directly across the hall. I'm prepared to slip out of bed, sneak across the hall, and open her door for you. But you must agree to give me a 15-count to get back into bed. And slow counts this time. You rushed last week, and we'll probably never see the cat venture upstairs again. Now I know you're asking yourself, why don't you just eat me and save all the slithering around. And counting. Well. Eunice smells like bacon. We had BLTs and peas for dinner, and I gave her the bacon from my sandwich. Ergo, she smells like crispy pig tail, and I do not.

Eunice also smells like cat. She's forever playing with the thing. Brushing it, holding it, sitting it at the table with its paws on my silver. “Look, Harold's turned into a cat!” Hilarious. Tell me, how am I supposed to choke down peas after outside-walking, litter box-digging, cold, loveless feet have rubbed up and down my spoon and fork? Yuck.

Yes, Eunice is the perfect, monster-mouth watering treat. She's plump, ham-boned, and roastable. And there is a softness about her, never having lifted a finger in her privileged, pampered life. She doesn't have to help with the gardening? What kind of division of labor is that? But Monster, it's left her smooth and porcine.

More, she's rude and lacking in all social graces. Boys aren't welcome at tea parties? The cat was wearing gloves and holding a parasol! But boys aren't welcome. Humph. Plus, she's a terrible plodding diarist. Me, me, me, it's all she ever writes about. Oh! And very importantly, she's not a fast runner and can't throw a punch (but watch out for scratching). With a nimble swipe, she'd skewer well on a long sharp claw.

When you're done with Eunice, I'll be sure to leave my door open and you're welcome to slither right back in and we'll think about what to do with brother Horace. And after Horace, the cat. And after that…but I am getting ahead of myself.

I will close by saying that I hope you will consider my offer and we can come to a mutually satisfying agreement as soon as possible.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Harold Lad