Oscar Wilde:

“There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is being arrested for sodomy.”

“Either this wallpaper has to go, or I redecorate the place myself. And I have no throw pillows to speak of.”

 

Dorothy Parker:

When asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence:

“Horticulturally speaking, that garden is terrific. No wait. I've been drinking. Let me get back to you in a week when I sober up and can think of a pun.”

“If they laid all the girls at the Yale prom end to end, I'd wonder why they didn't give me a ring. I could be there in less than an hour.”

 

Samuel Johnson:

“A woman delivering a sermon is like a dog standing on its hind legs. You can see its bait and tackle, and let me tell you, that's nothing to sneeze at.”

When asked if he believed in infant baptism:

“Believe in it? Madam, the only way to soften up the little buggers is to marinate them until juicy.”

When asked to refute a popular idea of the time, regarding the intangibility of the material world:

“I refute it thus!” ( Striking a rock with his toe ) OW! Ooh. Ooooh. Holy shit that hurts.”

 

Mark Twain:

“When angry, count ten. When very angry, break a bottle on the bar and rearrange someone's face with it. I recommend a vodka bottle.”

“Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs too… That is, excepting the frog. But it only blushes when it's done something very, very dirty.”

“Anyone attempting to find a moral in this narrative will be shot. That also goes for trespassers. Yeah. Trespassers too.”

 

Abraham Lincoln:

“A man's legs should be long enough to wrap around a woman's torso.”