Mars Attacks!

Yanks again trade for unbeatable squad

by Jonathan Kravetz

"...between eight and fourteen arms."

In a stunning move, the New York Yankees last night traded their entire roster to the Martian team, Excelsior, in exchange for the Martian squad's nine best players. The Martians, each at least ten feet tall with between eight and fourteen arms, are expected to dominate the American League the remainder of this season.

"It's a move we felt we had to make," Yankees' owner George Steinbrenner said in between bites of a mammoth cheeseburger. "These guys can really play."

The trade was part of a cost-cutting move by the lowly Excelsiors, last in the Martian Red Division.

"We want to rebuild for the future," Excelsior General Manager, Pellybird Ickleteeny, said in an exclusive interview. "We want to clean house, just start over."

In spite of their paltry 32-67 record on Mars, the Martians are expected to have little or no trouble with American League competition.

"These guys are big," Mr. Steinbrenner said, wiping mustard from his nose. "And fast. And they've got lots of arms. And moxy. I like moxy."

Snoppledilly Cullysloop, the Martian Ace, throws 190 miles per hour with all but three of his arms and will certainly become the new strikeout king in baseball. He is also known for his cutthroat style. Last year he beaned five Martian players and ate two others.

The brand new Yankees may also break every hitting record in professional baseball, including the previously unassailable mark set by the majestic, though deceased, Joe DiMaggio. He hit in 56 straight games.

"Oh yeah, that record will go," an excited, if illiterate, Yankees beat reporter said yesterday. "They'll all go. I've seen these guys hit and they can really, really hit. I mean, they can really, really, really hit. I mean, really good."

A few of the Martian players may be familiar to American audiences. Some work on Earth in the off season where the economy is stronger than on their home planet. All, however, take human form to avoid being mocked and/or spanked.

The new Yankees shortstop, Alex Trebeck, for example, hosts the popular "Jeopardy!" on American television. "I'm really looking forward to letting it all hang out, finally," Mr. Trebeck said last night while scratching five body parts at once. "I want to show American audiences that I'm more than a game show host. I can tote the lumber."

Mr. Trebeck led the Red Division in hits, runs and in female conquests.

" all the human brains they can eat."

Reaction to the trade around baseball was mixed.

"Well, the Yankees have a reputation for making these kind of late season trades," a General Manager who wishes to remain anonymous said. "But shit! How the hell is anyone else going to compete? Plus, these guys feast on human brains!"

But the General Manager of the crosstown Mets, Steve Philips, was circumspect before blowing his brains out with a high caliber pistol. "This is good for baseball," he said. "We'll draw spectators from all around the universe."

Mr. Steinbrenner, as he devoured an entire chicken, had only this to say about the mismatch his Martian squad will create: "Hey, we can afford to do it, so we do it. It's not our fault if other teams don't have the money." The Yankees will pay each Martian player $32 million, plus all the human brains they can eat.

Fans of the Yankees were predictably elated.

"This kicks ass," one ex-con Yankee fan said while awaiting his chance to steal tickets from passersby. "This will teach all those other teams to mess with New York!" The fan was later seen stomping on a litter of kittens that had reputed ties to the hated Boston Red Sox.

Another drunken New Yorker said, "I hear they might actually kill some players. That's the way baseball was meant to be played." His attempt to kill this reporter was thwarted by a fortuitous attack of liver cancer.

Meanwhile, the fate of the now exiled Yankees is yet to be determined. They cannot possibly compete on Mars.

"Perhaps we will use them as fertilizer," Mr. Ickleteeny shrugged. "We'll probably mulch the lot of them. Except for Derek Jeter. He's too cute and will probably make a nice house pet for some orphan."


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