Clean Cops...
in ten easy steps!
by Gideon Evans

Tensions have been high in New York City between police and civilians. Therefore, as a service to the NYPD and the citizens of this fine city I have compiled a list of five easy ways the police could undergo a makeover which might end the tense relations between police and pedestrians.

1) Require that cops say "Have a nice day" after all police actions.

This simple phrase has been used to advantage by successful companies like McDonald's, Coconuts and Cineplex Odeon. If a person's apartment is being searched for contraband and left in shambles and if the last officer leaving says "have a nice day" or "thank you for living in New York" all parties involved will feel better about the whole situation. Sure they're just words, but they would raise morale among the ranks and it would instill more faith in the men and women in blue.

2) The Cops should organize a hunky guy band.

Bands like "'N Sync", "Boyz to Men" and the "Backstreet Boys" are all the rage these days among the youth of America. Get together a Multi-ethnic group of cops to sing in perfect harmony to rock and roll beats -- they can be called "Boyz in Blue," "Walking the Beat," or the racier "Guyz with Sticks." Like the "Spice Girls," they can each have distinctive personalities and looks. There can be "Scary Cop" -- he's bad and corrupt -- but he's the exception! The other members are "Honest Cop," "Desk Job Cop," "Subway Cop" and the ever popular "Lady Cop." This way, our younger generations will groove to the wholesome sounds of the NYPD. Kids won't be frightened of police racial profiling anymore -- they'll want their autographs.

3) Get Julie Taymor to design new uniforms for the NYPD.

She's the genius behind Broadway's "The Lion King." Her costumes use sheer creativity to transform the human figure into gazelles, elephants, warthogs, and hyenas. If the police were dressed as say...lions, wouldn't that be grand? Even when a policeman got rough at times, we could understand why if he looked like a Lion! Or imagine this: a mean cop has you face down on the ground and in handcuffs, but he's also singing Hakuna Matata! Wouldn't that be fun!?

4) NYPD Trader Cards!

Once again tapping into the youth of New York, we should create a partnership between the city and Topps (who manufacture baseball cards). On the front of each card would be a posed picture of what the cop is known for -- making arrests, coaxing confessions, logging overtime. You could turn the card around and there would be statistics galore: "Officer Joe Smith gave 2351 summons for drinking in public," for example. And there could be highlights like "Sgt. Ron Jones arrested ten dangerous Gay protesters on February 29th," or "Al Ryan got the triple crown, leading the Precinct in J Walking tickets, Squeegee arrests and Emergency Births." Kids could swap 'em and pretend to be their favorite law enforcement heroes.

5) The last one is short and simple. Every time a cop wrongly arrests you or pulls you over... you get three hundred air miles.

500 if it was solely because of the color of your skin. Hooray, you could visit your Aunt Edna in Florida for her seventy-fifth birthday! Won't she be happy to see you (if you get out of jail in time)!

please email ducts with your comments.