The Centrist Manifesto
by Toby Miller

"...righteously name their kids Turner and Ashley..."

Americans of all ages! You all have heard about the millions of ordinary families with their 2.4 children. But who assembled them with such mathematical precision? You may have marveled at their knack for eclectic decorating and entertaining for 7 or more. But who trained them in these deadly arts? You may have seen them flock to small towns by the shore for vacations. But who coordinated these invasions and clothed them in identical uniforms of washed-out khaki and blue? Think not, good citizens, that these working families achieved such cultural dominance on their own. No, these are the revolutionary Centrist squadrons leading the country to a new era!

Since our humble beginnings as ragged bands of non-partisans, cunningly running guns out of impressionable childrenās hands, brazenly working in pairs to blow up our rivalsā bridge contracts, remorselessly sabotaging our own careers due to our "fear of success" thing, Centrists have steadily infiltrated the populace. Our emergence was not assured and our arduous journey was marked by risk at every step of the way. We exposed ourselves to the serious hazards of filing jointly. We played the dangerous game of child-rearing. We risked life and limb by defiantly acting on our belief that if the Kennedys can play touch football, then, by golly, our family can too!

Since then we have demonstrated our powerful solidarity as thousands of comrades have risen together to zealously dig Paul Simon, courageously consider Feng Shui and righteously name their kids Turner and Ashley as if they were college dormitories! Weāve shown collective resistance to the status quo by ignoring our clogged gutters, scoffing at very expensive commercials and openly drinking beer through a straw while heading home on the commuter train! And weāve brought fear to the hearts of tyrannous media barons by preferring fine television and have specifically trained ourselves, over many years, to wait patiently for even the longest pledge drive to conclude!



Throughout the nation, Centrist activity is on the rise. Youth brigades diligently study the superstructure of power chord relationships. Young Centrist couples assert their right to wear their newborns in public. And in one of our most cherished victories, all new college graduates looking for jobs receive completely free education in reality.

Matching these successes are triumphs on the battlefield of ideology. Now we see the most powerful ruler in the land laid low before the Centrist motto that Private Lives are Theft! Now we see a society where there is Free Like for All! Now we watch the broadcasts of comrades Springer and Raphael and glow with revolutionary pride at the sight of truly communal ownership of the means of worker reproduction!

While we are proud of our achievements, there are still many obstacles in our path. Though we are publicly praised by members of the left and the right, their efforts to reach us are nothing but a cruel parody. They talk of peace, but sit idly by as Dharma and Greg come dangerously close to a fight (and demonstrate their contemptible diplomacy when they say, "as long as they work things out before Ally McBeal comes on."). They talk of prosperity but do nothing to bring back tomatoes that donāt taste like they were made by Titleist. They bray endlessly about the promise of the 21st century, yet none of them will tell us what the fricking holdup is with electric cars already, weāve been hearing about the damn things for years!

Let us state that we shall not rest on our laurels but will persevere with the same revolutionary tactics. We will continue to doggedly combat deer and steadfastly recycle. We will continue to tirelessly separate whites from colors. We will continue to zealously clip coupons. Indeed, to ensure the total success of the Centrist cause, we will never be moved from our unshakable commitment to watching Tim Allen movies and playing improvable golf. Though the path can be difficult, nothing tempers the righteous flame of the true Centrist. Even after repeatedly engaging in large, rich, expense account meals, still the Centristās heart burns anew with fervor each time!

"...the glorious Centrist future..."

Through it all, we are driven by our vision of the glorious Centrist future, a vision that is rapidly becoming reality. Where lawn care from qualified doctors is denied no one! Where contrite car manufacturers willingly give cash back to the people! Where everyone is free not to worship in the religion of their choice! Where Hope is an excellent name for a girl!

Like a gathering gust lifting a great and mighty flag adorned with multiple images of Alan Alda emblazoned across 13 lilac and ecru stripes, Centrism is lifting the hearts and minds of citizens everywhere. Filled with lofty notions of the highest fiber, nothing can stop them from asserting their unalienable rights to liberty, equality and partial nudity from female movie stars!




please email ducts with your comments.