Life Sans Ducts
by Randy Woods

Have you ever considered what life would be like without ducts? Well, have you?? A ductless world would be sheer hell, my friend.

Through the use of ducts, both large and small, we see, smell, hear, sweat, eat, speak, breathe, excrete, bleed, reproduce and gargle, just to name a short list of the most vital bodily functions. Our biological ducts do all the nasty business of moving fluids, solids and, er, "gases" to all parts of the body efficiently and, for the most part, quietly. And, well, let’s just say that without ducts, sex wouldn’t be much fun, now would it? (Just ask the simple one-celled organisms that reproduce via osmosis ... yawn!)

Without ducts, we may as well be big bags of goo (See "Marlon Brando"). A ductless human would be like non-alcoholic vodka -- obviously and totally useless.

But there are thousands of other, subtler ways that man-made ducts affect our everyday lives that you -- yeah, I’m talkin’ to YOU, pal! -- probably take for granted. Here is a complete list of those thousands of ways (give or take a few thousand) in which life would totally suck without ducts.

No cigarettes, cigars, pipes, etc. -- Nicotine freaks and potheads alike would have to content themselves with inhaling smoke from "communal bonfires" on the sidewalk during their breaks.

No "Chutes & Ladders" -- If you just played "Ladders," each game would last approximately 20 seconds.

No pipelines -- Before you went on that Sunday drive, you’d grab a bucket and take your place on the Great Alaskan Crude Oil Bucket Brigade.

No vacuum cleaners — If you turned that sucker on without a hose you’d be lucky if you didn’t get sucked into the canister yourself.

No Habitrails — There’d be thousands of poor, incarcerated gerbils with no way to get from their water bottles to their exercise wheels.

No bagpipes -- It’s bad enough that they have to run around in skirts, but without ducts those poor Scottish Highlanders would just be blowing into bags under their armpits (and creating much the same sound, I imagine).

No guns, rifles or cannons -- If you wanted to pump someone full of lead, cowboy, you’d have to hit your bullet with a hammer (Tip: Point away from face when striking).

No Santa Claus -- O.K., granted, he already doesn’t exist. But without chimneys, Virginia, wouldn’t the whole Santa myth lose a lot of its charm if Ol’ St. Nick had to jimmy the lock on the door or break a window while his flying venison took a dump on the lawn?

Wait a minute... No cigarettes, no stupid children’s games, no oil spills, no house-cleaning, no vermin skittering around, no annoying music, no guns -- this sounds like Heaven!

Come to think of it, who really needs ducts, anyway? Screw the ducts! Cast off your hoses, Oppressed Peoples, and arise! You have nothing to lose but your drains! ... ANARCHY!!... Woo-hoo!!....

Oh, wait ... um... I just realized that without ducts, there’d be no duct tape. I just can’t believe in a future that bleak.

Sorry. Nevermind.

Yay, ducts!



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