children and welcome to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's
Fast Food Control Unit. My name is John and I'll be leading you
on a tour of the facility. Please follow me.
Built back in the year 2005, the CDC's
Fast Food Control unit was created as part of a United States Government
initiative to combat childhood obesity. The unit is manned by some
of our most experienced disease control experts and is dedicated
to the study and eradication of the most dangerous foods ever consumed
by human beings.
here on the right is... Please don't touch the glass, young man.
Now kids, I know you're excited, but I'll need all of you to stay
behind the orange safety line like your teacher told you earlier.
Now, what the gentlemen in the antiviral
suits behind the glass are examining is something called a McNugget.
Highly popular in the late 20th century and early 21st, it's made
of de-feathered chicken, fried in superheated animal fat, and it's
the last known sample of a food that took the lives of an estimated
3.2 million children between the ages of 4 and 12 in the year 2002
alone. At the height of its popularity, the McNugget had enslaved
9 in 10 American kids with its televised promises of innocent fun,
easy smiles, and the resolution of family conflict. In reality,
the consumption of McNuggets had led to such profound health problems
that kids just like you were dying in waves.
There's no need to cry, young lady...
No, Ronald McDonald will not be coming after you and your pet chicken.
That madman was taken out in the year 2007 by a team of Army Rangers
after he ignored one too many U.N. resolutions. He's just the bogeyman
now. Right kids? That's right. There's no need to worry about Ronald
McDonald. You can go home and ask your parents and check your closets.
Let's move on now.
Our next team over here on the left is
working with a food introduced to America in the 1990s by a restaurant
chain called Taco Bell. What they're examining is something called
a Gordita Supreme. Comprised of a lethal combination of ground cow
meat, black beans, melted cheese, and various spices, the Gordita
Supreme is widely expected to have wiped out an entire West Texas town in the year
2008. On your way in today you may have noticed the Pulitzer Prize-winning
photo of a firefighter trying to extricate a grotesquely fattened
boy from a Taco Bell emergency exit after a government raid. I might
add that in 2010, just before I retired from active duty on the
rapid response team, I parachuted into a similarly gruesome scene
at a Columbus, Ohio burger rave. I'm proud to say we liberated dozens
of kids just about your age who were binging on outlawed cow meat
and cheese sandwiches known as Whoppers. It's a day I'll never forget.
Moving on, this is our pizza study sub-unit
where Larry, Anne and Jennifer... Go ahead and wave back, kids.
What the team is working with is a highly addictive and
particularly devastating strain of stuffed crust pizza, a product
created by a restaurant chain called Pizza Hut in the early 1990s.
Regular pizza--a pie-shaped concoction of dough, mozzarella cheese
and tomato sauce--had been served for decades before the evil forces
at Pizza Hut decided that kids just like you weren't nearly as fat
as they could be. So they hatched a plan to inject the pie crust
with even more of the thick cheese that was already responsible
for the unimaginably fat state of nearly 95% of American children.
The great majority of these pies were consumed in the home, as parents
and kids alike could pick up a landline telephone and request a
delivery of this food that had become their virtual master. In response,
drivers of gasoline-powered cars would bring this cheesy death to
the door in 30 minutes or less. Then, in a most sinister fashion,
the delivery driver would entice the family with a free appetizer
of something called cheesy bread, which when immersed in a tomato-based
dipping sauce basically made it just more pizza. Bottom line: kids
just like yourselves were devouring pizza before their pizza which
was stuffed with pizza. To make matters worse, they would then drink
48 ounces or more of a sugar-laced, artificially colored, carbonated
water called soda pop or another beverage called Gatorade that came
in a wide array of colors and promised spectacular athletic achievement--an
astounding claim given that these poor, fat, defenseless victims
could barely move. Thankfully, beverages like these were taken out
as secondary targets in our government's highly successful and ongoing
War on Pizza.
Well, you're all looking rather pale and
walked-out, so I'll wrap up the tour with a quick cautionary tale.
Back in 2006, a family of five was found dead on the front lawn
of their Binghamton, New York home after wrestling a box of additional
cheesy bread from a delivery driver and gorging until their carotid
arteries exploded on the spot. I hope you'll remember that fact
if a friend someday says he "knows how to get his hands on some
Thank you for your attention, kids. Enjoy
your lunch at Carrot Land.