"Wholesome but Brief" unions must be protected, says
(Washington D.C.) In a move designed to bolster his fight
to defend heterosexual marriage, President George W. Bush is
calling on Congress to pass a new bill guaranteeing irresponsible
celebrities the right to frivolously marry and divorce at least
three times a year without penalty.
"When Britney Spears gets married to some guy for 26 hours
in Las Vegas, it reminds us that love can happen in an instant...
and more importantly it shows that Britney probably isn't gay," said
Conservative moralist Bill Bennett is joining in the battle. "Hey,
as long as they're heterosexuals, celebrities should be allowed
to marry whomever they like. Besides, betting on how long
Nicholas Cage's next marriage will last is a lot more fun than
betting at craps," Bennett said.
During the announcement, the President was flanked by Angelina
Jolie, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jennifer Lopez, who
got together and broke up with Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony three
times each, during the 20-minute press conference.
The President cited what he called, "historical evidence," when
he also requested that Senators and House members add a clause
protecting phony studio marriages, arranged to help keep gay
"When Rock Hudson married that broad from Universal it
was obviously a sham, but it really helped the world avoid discussing
his homosexuality for a long time," Mr. Bush said, "and
it made all those movies he made with Doris Day much more enjoyable."
The bill is expected to sail through both houses of Congress, as
soon as the conference committee tacks on an amendment allowing
Congress members a 13% cost of living pay raise.