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Rally the flag Around Stuff, Boys

By Daniel McCoy

Patriotism is the new black, and as a part of this nationwide trend, people are wrapping things in flags like never before: war heroes, government documents, and suspicious legislation are just a few of the many things to be swathed in the flag.  But what can we, mere citizens, do if we wish to be a part of the Patriotti?  In the interests of style and national pride we offer this handy primer for people trying to decide what they too might wrap in the American flag.

  • Delicious chocolate candies
  • Patriotic undies
  • The hopes and dreams of a nation
  • A short poem about water lilies--more of a haiku, really
  • The single version of Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta"
  • Toast
  • John Williams
  • All the small things
  • Yesterday's papers
  • The collected footnotes of acclaimed author David Foster Wallace
  • Bits and pieces
  • Dribs and drabs
  • Schadenfraude
  • Laura Palmer
  • A very small piece of cheese, such as one might enjoy atop a cracker
  • Fooseball instructions
  • Sandy Duncan's glass eye
  • Butter
  • The "It" possessed by original "It Girl," Clara Bow
  • The "It" possessed by Rocky and Bullwinkle star, Piper Perabo
  • My appendix
  • The appendix to The Riverside Shakespeare
  • Limericks
  • Most of half a sandwich
  • 10 high-density discs
  • Irony (dead)
  • A Wyndham Hill sampler
  • Whys and Wherefores
  • Sturgeon
  • Blind Pew
  • The heavens' embroidered cloths/
    Enwrought with golden and silver light/
    The blue and the dim and the dark cloths/
    Of night and light and the half-light
  • The last thing you said to your mother before leaving the house that fateful morning oh-so-many years ago, when it seemed as though your whole life lay ahead of you and the world was bright and new, and you needed only to dream something to make it happen, before the rains came. 
  • Slightly smaller American flags