Girl Scouts werent bad.
could stand the cookie thing. I really could.
Especially the Samoas.
wasnt so happy when they raised the price
a buck a box, but as far as kiddie fundraisers
went, it was okay with me. Besides, they had the
franchise, right? This was their gig. You knew
theyd be around the same time every year:
door-to-door, at the supermarket; even at the
office, thanks to mom or dad.
there were the magazine kids, showing up in the
afternoon practically in tears, saying they were
just THREE SUBSCRIPTIONS SHORT of a trip to Bali
Then came the candy bars for Little League (or
soccer, or PeeWee football or junior hockey or
midget badminton). Those freakin kids were
everywhere, and damn, were they organized. You
couldnt slip out the other door at the grocery
store they had it covered. And there were
always enough of them at the table that you couldnt
wait until they were busy with another victim
and quickly sneak by.
came the schoolkids.
Is where. I draw. The line.
dont I already pay for schools? In fact,
because I send my kids to private school, I pay
twice. So whats with the ripoff fund-raisers?
Whats with the guilt trip? Whats with
every freakin parent at my job bringing
in their kids stinkin crap to sell, based
on the assumption that if theyre gonna buy
someone elses kids crap, that someones
gonna have to buy theirs, too?
not paying ridiculous school taxes, then turning
around and forking over $12 a pop for wrapping
paper. No sir. Im not paying $5,000 in tuition
(each!), then sifting through a Neiman Marcus
catalog with the label changed to figure out how
cheaply I can get off this year while paying for
class trips of kids I dont even know in
grades I dont have to care about for seven
bad, and getting worse. My sisters completely
given up. Her approach? Tell me how many you have
to sell, and Ill just buy them. Save the
kid the humiliation of going door-to-door. Save
the husband the workplace alienation of bringing
the box of candy and the handmade sign in and
sticking it on his desk (you cant put it
in the break room; some asshole will decide its
just fork over the money and hope that next year,
they at least make the kid sell something you
can use 20 of, like subscriptions for Vicodin
or official Derek Jeter baseball bats with Ruben
tell you what. The whole thing worse than smells.
Using kids to sell cheap crap (or even worthwhile
crap) just reeks of out-of-control adults looking
to wring every last buck out of parents or anyone
else sucker enough to feel guilty at saying no
to a sad-faced 7-year-old.
call it child prostitution. Our schools have become
pimps, selling not the products in the kids
hands, but the kids themselves. Because lets
face it, we dont want the big chocolate
bar (most of the time); we dont want the
magazines; the gift wrap; the mugs; the crotchless
edible panties (sorry, wrong rant). Were
only buying this stuff because (all together now:
ITS FOR THE KIDS!
right. Its for the kids. Theyre giving
this stuff to little kids and pushing them out
the door with the understanding that anyone who
buys any of it is doing so ONLY out of guilt and
ONLY because theyre kids.
why not drop the pretense? Push the kids out the
door with no merchandise, but dress them in halter
tops and painted-on mini shorts, high-heeled boots
and too much makeup. Give them an order form and
a machine that accepts both debit and credit cards.
how about this? How about you just make
the taxes/tuition/fees/whatever equal to the cost
of educating the kid, field trips included. Then
I can answer my door again, safely knowing its
probably only the Mormans.
us with your comments.