by Sam Riegel & Rob Blatt

The swollen media hype surrounding the upcoming Presidential Elections in November have overshadowed many smaller political processes that have fallen through the cracks of the journalistic scope.

With the recent poisoning death of our leader, The Supreme Wise One, we must turn to someone with experience, ability and a track record of high moral values. Compare the two candidates, Jon James, and his opponent Gary Herman, and you shall discover that there is only one real choice:

As a core member of our fringe religion for over 7 years, James is familiar with all aspects of cult life. Herman has only been a member for 5 years, 2 of which were spent in a drug-induced hallucinogenic trance.
On the
James stood beside his fellow lambs and helped thwart the raid of Hell-sent avengers from the FBI, providing invaluable firepower to strike the demons back to I-88, far away from our sacred compound. Gary Herman merely lobbed smoke grenades at the enemy, barely even confusing and distracting them. Is this the kind of courage we want in a Supreme Wise One?
On Rituals
A dedicated reformer, Jon James will call for an across-the-board policy of 40% more orgies, and will install much needed wall-to-wall carpeting in the Tantric sex chamber. Gary Herman's proposed "reforms" include a meager 15% increase in group intercourse over the next two years. He has also come out against our long-standing practice of total body-hair removal.
On Ability
The only candidate with the power to speak directly to the Heavens, James has been told by Galthar the Omniscient that eternal life and bliss is waiting for us all on a glowing purple orb called Brainopia, where we will all be transported in 2001 after completing a complex ritual involving Sunny Delight, Sulfuric acid, and Lou Vega's "Mambo No. 5." Gary Herman cannot hear the True voices from above. The voices which command him are clearly those of moon-faced Zombie alien-dwarfs from a parallel universe; the same alien-dwarfs who have mistakenly predicted the world would end 4 times. And he doesn‰t even like Sunny Delight.
On Integrity
Jon James has frequent sexual intercourse with every member of our flock. Gary Harman only has sex with the women and young boys.
On Goals
As Supreme Wise One, James will build a more zealous cult, will control space and time with his brain-waves, and will spread His word of rapture, brotherhood, and group sex to all sentient beings. Business as usual.

Make your vote count with Jon James. (And remember, if you don't vote for him you will be burned alive by the snow-white hellfire of fate.) Have a nice day.

Paid For by the Eternal Followers of Jon James and M.A.D.D.


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