Health News
by Jonathan Kravetz

"My study reveals... it's a nose."

November 9, 1999

Women Can Reduce risk of heart ills 82%


ATLANTA -- Women who follow all of the standard health advice -- eat sensibly, don't smoke, exercise, keep their weight down, have an occasional drink -- can reduce their chance of heart disease 82%, according to a study released yesterday.


Here's some other startling health revelations:

ATLANTA -- Men who remove the straws from their diet soda cans while drinking show an 11% reduction in "poked-eye" syndrome and in other related eye injuries, according to a blind study released Thursday.

CONYERS -- Children who have little or no access to guns show a 100% reduction in gun related injuries, according to a study by the fledgling left wing anti-firearms group, "No Guns." However, the study and all members of No Guns have mysteriously been either burned or shot, an NRA spokesman winked at a recent gun lobby meeting.

LOS ANGELES -- Women who stop watching episodes of the television series Ally McBeal can increase their self-esteem by 88%, according to a report released last week. The report would have been released sooner, but scientists wanted one more chance to watch the "Two Girls Kissing" episode of the show.

NEW YORK -- People who are careful to avoid being hit by taxi-cabs and other assorted buses and bike messengers can reduce their chance of being struck by New York city moving vehicles by only 2%. This, according to a report released yesterday, but then tragically lost when a bike messenger carrying the study attempted a dangerous "under-a-suburban-utility-vehicle" maneuver.

JERUSALEM -- A man reputed to be the Messiah in a recent inquiry proved to be a fake when he suffered a severe "poked-eye" injury while drinking a diet cola.

HONG KONG -- Men who avoid performing their own movie stunts can reduce their chance of broken femurs by 98%, according to a study released by the S.M.U. (Stunt Mans Union) yesterday. A spokesman for Jackie Chan and other actors cracked his hip attempting to roundhouse kick this reporter.

ORLANDO -- Children who visit Disney World more than once in their lifetime exhibit an 86% decrease in independent thinking, according to 1,164 studies released yesterday and then mocked glibly by Jeffrey Katzenberg, CEO of Disney during a recent press conference for the film Toy Story 7: Teenage Bill Obeys His Dad.

TOKYO -- 50% of children who play musical instruments before the age of 4 are likely to excel at mathematics, two scientists with nothing better to do reported yesterday. 100% of those children will not attend their high school proms.

DENVER -- Skiers who never strap on their skis, but instead remain behind in the lodge to "chill out for the day," suffer shattered skulls at a rate only 3% less than their daredevil compatriots. Scientists attribute this similar percentage to "bad karma." However, the lodge-staying group is 100% more likely to find companionship during their getaway weekends.

BOSTON -- Baseball fans who follow the hapless, but plucky Boston Red Sox instead of their infinitely more successful New York counterparts are 100% more likely to comprehend the meaning of the following, according to a study performed by a group of angry Boston scientists, sportswriters and former mayors: angst, life, death, pain, laughter, and any poetry written by Ezra Pound.

STOCKHOLM -- Scientists who ply their trade in the traditional way -- unearth problems, perform valuable and innovative experiments, exhibit curiosity and compassion for their fellow man -- can increase their chances of bankruptcy, homelessness and divorce by 99 and 44/100ths%, according to a study performed by a scientists advocacy group and its sponsoring corporations and lawyers.

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