by Benjamin Malcolm

"Here in D.C., it's 'work hard, sleep hard!'"



The following pamphlet was produced by the National American International Association of Image Molders of Washington, D.C.

"...a work ethic..."

Come Work in the Nation's Capital!

You are thinking of moving to Washington, D.C. Good thought!

In Washington, D.C., we have abundant parkland, free museums, an abundance of international foods, bike trails that run from Virginia to Maryland, and a number of sports franchises that compete at the national level.

And we have a work ethic second to none.


Ever since our Founding Fathers carved our nation's capital from the gaseous swamp, moving the whole operation lock, stock and barrel from Philadelphia, the city has inspired thousands. We are a magnet for politicians, bureaucrats, and other inspiring workers just like you! In Washington, D.C., you'll find a microcosm of what makes America tick. Come join the young masses that flock here for the international prestige and the free museums.

Here's what you need to know when you move "Inside the Beltway!"

"...fuzzy values of family, God, or 'the life well lived...'"

1. "The City that Always Sleeps"

Leave your "work hard, play hard" mentality in New York City. Here in D.C., it's "work hard, sleep hard!"

Remember that you're moving here for work or political aspirations. This city was not built on those fuzzy values of family, God, or "the life well lived" concepts that seem to trap the rest of the country. You're here for the 12-hour workdays, and the opportunity to move ahead in your career field. If you want to blow off a little steam, head to the numerous post-work happy hours!

Our "we'll get there when we get there" metro system is a perfect illustration of the city's focus. They're in bed by midnight, having got the majority of D.C.'s workers (those that don't have cars or who are too lazy to drive) home for bed. There are some attempts by some fuzzyheaded thinkers to try to get metro to stay open past midnight on the weekends, but that attempt will surely fail. What reason would you have to be out past midnight? Leave that to the college students!

If you do happen to miss the last train, you can always avail yourself of the fine fleet of unregistered, unmetered cabs that prowl D.C.'s streets.


2. "The Lingo"

When you meet someone on the street, what should be your first question?

A. How are you?

B. Where are you going?

C. Fine day, isn't it?

D. Where do you work?

E. S'up?

If you picked (D), you've already got the D.C. spirit! Your workplace is your identity. Leave those philosophy questions for the professors who train the interns for the workplace.

Our handy booklet, The Lingo of D.C., will help you with your acclimation to the city. Here you can bone up on useful phrases like "on my radar screen," "heavy lifting," "thinking outside the box," and "sea change." You'll need that language for the meetings and post-work happy hours you'll be attending.

"...thinking outside the box!"

3. "Northern Attitude with Southern Style"

D.C. represents the truest blend of the American North and South. Here we combine the feisty attitude of the north with the leisurely service standards of the south. Nowhere else in this country will you find this unique blend.

This is especially evident during snowstorms, when the challenges you'll face in the grocery lines will have moved to the streets and roadways.

You'll have plenty of time to ponder the global workplace issues you'll be facing in your local checkout lines. Or you can send an intern to take care of that. Now that's "thinking outside the box!"


4. "Internationalism"

Along with the unique mix of north and south, D.C. carries the prestige of being an international city.

You'll have a chance to see your favorite diplomats behind the tinted windows of the limousines on your way to work, and watch the antics of the drivers with the special diplomatic immunity license plates.

For the non-diplomatic community, you can always head to your favorite ethnic restaurant, such as the ones found in Chinatown. Chinatown covers almost an entire block near the MCI Center, the home of sports teams that play all around the country!

You can also head to the other segregated parts of the city, where peoples of various nationalities cluster in their protective communities. We suggest you drive quickly through these parts of town, and enjoy the sights and sounds they have to offer.

"...buy bread and milk."

5. "Winter Break"

Washington, D.C. has the advantage of closing down for the winter, in the awkward event of snow.

There are a number of local rules you should be aware of in case this happens.

A. When the weather forecasters are predicting snow, immediately head to the nearest grocery store to buy bread and milk.

B. When heading to work, be aware that there are only a handful of snowplows for the city, and they'll be busy with the main streets (i.e. the beltway and other six lane highways).

C. Remember that most of the people on the road have never seen snow and use that to your advantage.

D. Remember to call in for work closings. If you hear the term "liberal leave of absence," that means that in other cities, you could stay home because of the snow. In D.C., it's actually a test to see if you're really committed to your work.


6. "The City of Associations"

In D.C., we have the pride of having an association for every thing you can think of. There is an association for snack foods. There is an association for female exhibit managers and conference organizers. There is a petroleum marketing education foundation. There is even an association for WWII flying veterans (The Association of Old Crows). All of these groups take part in the fine tradition of lobbying that have imbued our U.S. government with that unique stamp of myopic self-interest, or the concept of "he who shouts loudest or forms the strongest coalition will force the others to hear."

Remember that your loyalty will be tested if you work for these associations. Say, for example, you were to work for the Frozen Potato Products Institute. Your message is about your food. Your frozen potatoes are at the forefront of the proper American diet, and everyone should be getting more potatoes into their diet. All other foods are the enemy.

D.C. is also guided by the principle of "loyalty to a cause, unless we find a better job at another cause." A large number of associations, or a large number of publications, can fill out a resume nicely.

So the more associations you can connect to, the better! Imagine the following scenario -- you are a female conference planner at the Snack Food Association. You work for that association, but belong to another association, and indirectly help a third association (say, the American Hotel and Motel Association) with all YOUR conferences across the country. Yes!

This is D.C. at its finest!

"...ritualistic workplace dogma!"

7. "Leadership"

In D.C., you'll be able to join a cadre of leaders who shape national policy.

The following are some tips for you in your quest to become a successful manager in this city. Join your comrades in the quest for ego fulfillment and ritualistic workplace dogma! You had to go through it. Now it's your turn to enjoy the good life!

A. Become nationally-focused in all your thinking. Stop concerning yourself with those pesky details like budgets and time constraints.

B. Become a person of "ideas" rather than action.

C. Find a way to schedule as many meetings as you can during your workday to talk about these great ideas of yours.

D. Ask your limited staff and interns to "enact" all these good ideas. For added effect, throw in a little cultural lingo, like the "make it so" command used in Star Trek.

E. Ask them to find the money to do that with.

F. Stay at work for at least 12 hours.

G. Go to happy hours and complain about those long days.

H. Go to bed

As you can see, there are all the reasons in the world to make your move to the "City that always Sleeps." Remember to recommend it to your friends around the country.

Put D.C. on your "radar screen"!


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